Families seek support at Center for Grieving Children

The last time Nick and Alex Schaetz saw their father, Michael, was Dec. 31, 2005. The boys had spent a few days with their dad and were heading home to celebrate New Year's Eve with their mom.

"We left his house that night and that's where we said our 'I love yous' and stuff," Nick said. They didn't know it would be the last time.

As Jean Schaetz and her sons later snuggled on the couch in their Grand Chute apartment anticipating the televised ball drop in Times Square, the phone rang. Michael, 41, had died of a massive heart attack. Telling the boys was the hardest thing Jean has ever done.

In addition to profound grief, Nick, now 9, and Alex, now 12, were angry: Why did this happen? Who would attend the Donuts with Dad day at school? What now?

Three months after Michael's death, the family found compassionate support at the Center for Grieving Children. Located in the Boys & Girls Club in Appleton, the center was founded in 2004 to provide a safe haven for grieving children, teens and adults.

Jeanne VanBronkhorst, bereavement coordinator for ThedaCare at Home in Appleton, said there really is no way to get rid of grief, resolve it or make it all better.

"Even if you do a really good job with your kids, when a child has lost a parent and he or she grows up, every time they hit another developmental stage they have to go back and rethink (the loss) and re-feel it again with their new set of internal tools. And that continues right up through the rest of their lives. They will always think, 'I wish my mom was here to see me graduate or get my first job or have my first child.'";

There are, however, tools available to help families integrate grief into their lives in a way that lets them once again be whole, she said. The Center for Grieving Children is one of those tools.

"We are trying to build coping skills in these families," center director Shelly Osborne said. "We're trying to help them open lines of communication regarding death, dying and bereavement and issues at hand now like single parenting."

"They look forward to going to the meetings," Schaetz said of her sons. "Alex says he goes 'because they feed us,' but I know it is because he feels safe and comfortable there. Both of my boys have gained confidence and have been able to open up and talk about their feelings. They now know they are not alone and that there are even more people in the world who care about them."

How children grieve

When a child loses a loved one, it can have a profound impact on the rest of their lives. Grieving children are likely to feel different and alone.

"One of the biggest fears people have in general when they're grieving is wondering if they are going crazy because they can't think and they can't concentrate and their feelings are all over the map," VanBronkhorst said. "They just can't figure out, is this normal? And our kids are really looking on us to say, 'It's OK and normal and natural.'"

When one parent's death leaves behind a widowed spouse, the remaining parent has his or her own grief to deal with and sometimes it's hard to do that and also take care of their child's grief.

"Sometimes parents are trying to protect their children from the harsh realities of life, which, of course, is what they're supposed to do," VanBronkhorst said. "But it's really hard to protect them from their own feelings of loss. So what happens is sometimes they stop talking to the kids or they think, well, maybe they won't understand so I'll pretend it didn't happen. And the poor kids are completely tied into feelings.

"Their whole life is this emotional landscape. And when a caregiver, their parents, their world, is sad and then doesn't talk to them about it they start making up ideas for why that might be. It's what we all do when we don't understand something. And we often decide it's because we're not good enough or unlovable. Kids do it, too."

While each person deals with grief and loss in their own way, when a person grieves they need to go through the whole process of grief, mourning and healing, said Jane Pratt, psychotherapist on the child and family team at ThedaCare Behavioral Health on Midway Road in Menasha.

A loss for words

As one of three women facilitating Remembering Through Sharing, a support group for parents mourning a pregnancy loss sponsored by Appleton Medical Center and Theda Clark Medical Center, nurse Jennifer Fredriksen dealt with loss and grief on a daily basis. But when her son's elementary school friend unexpectedly died, she was at a loss when it came to helping him work through his grief.

Fredriksen called friend Pete Reinl at Wichmann Funeral Home, where Reinl shares the job of director of community outreach. They began investigating options and soon connected with Margaret Ann's Place, a Milwaukee-based nonprofit organization dedicated to serving the needs of grieving children. It is one of only 300 centers for grieving children nationwide and was the first of its kind established in Wisconsin.

In 2003, a steering committee was formed. The Boys & Girls Clubs of the Fox Valley quickly climbed aboard, and with good reason.

"The mission of the Boys & Girls Clubs is, in part, to serve all youth but especially those who need us most," Executive Director Greg Lemke-Rochon said. "Sometimes this means taking a leadership role in helping fill gaps in the services that exist for young people in our communities.

"Up until the center's development, there were no community-based programs out there for these grieving children and teens – a population that was larger than we realized at first. The club was more than happy to work not only toward the development of the center, but to actually be the parent or sponsoring organization behind the center to help ensure its success."

In July 2004, Osborne was hired as the part-time director and remains the only paid member of the Center for Grieving Children. About 30 volunteers who have experience with children and/or grief help facilitate the programming.

Sara Nabozny of Neenah is part of that volunteer contingent, having climbed on board in May 2006.

"It was an exciting opportunity for me since I lost my father to lung cancer when I was 13 years old," she said. "I didn't participate in any programs like this when I was a teen. I don't know if any existed, but I think it would have been helpful for me."

A peer group support meeting is held once or twice a month. The gatherings begin with a shared meal. Participants then break into age-appropriate groups where they talk and share memories, use arts and crafts, journal or play games. They can come as frequently as they want and for as long as they want.

The group is not open to the public, and adults must have children in the support group to use the services. Once referred to the center, Osborne conducts a comprehensive assessment, talking to the family about the death they have experienced and if they have sought any other kind of help. She also determines if the family is a good fit for the support group or if she needs to make a referral to a professional therapist.

One goal of the center, Osborne said, is for families to make friends. "Even for the adults. You need to have a few e-mails at 2 in the morning that you can write a message out to and they are going to get it."

"I think it's a great opportunity," Pratt said. "I think this program has been really significant in terms of targeting children who may not have had an opportunity before to deal with some of the life situations that have happened with them, especially on a group basis. Parents also get treatment and I like that as well. I truly believe the program, for some who may not have thought about therapy, is an opportunity to reach out and get treatment in another way."

One of the highlights of the Center for Grieving Children's support group is the annual summer picnic and memorial tree planting, Nabozny said. "Every family goes up to the tree and throws dirt around the base while saying something special about their loved one that they are there to remember. It's a very emotional event. After the tree planting, we also do a balloon launch. Everyone writes something to their loved one on the balloon before we let them go in unison."

Cheryl Sherry: 920-993-1000, ext. 249, or email csherry@postcrescent.com.